look out, i'm quoting tolstoy today

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
- Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, Chapter 1, first line

Does the same apply to pregnancies? High-risk pregnancies (as unhappy families) can have all kinds of drama and complications - it's the stuff of soap operas. Trust me, I've been there. I had a complete placenta previa with Waffle Girl. Not only did the previa *not* resolve, but there was bleeding, weeks of bedrest, and then an early c-section finally revealed a dangerous velamentous insertion. If you don't know these medical terms, consider yourself lucky and don't bother Goog.ling - it could give you nightmares.

But how interesting is a run-of-the-mill healthy pregnancy? Sure, it's a wonderful, joyous thing - one that many of us dream about and work toward for years and years. But is it really blog-worthy? Do you get on-line every few days and say, "Yep, everything is still awesome here!"?

Well, I'm nearing the point where I'll have to make a decision about this. We had our second ultrasound today at 8 weeks and, yep, everything is still awesome here! The measurements were spot-on (16mm) and heartbeat was great (166 bpm). Dr. Snaggletooth wants to see our lil' Mutt one last time in 2 weeks, then we'll be done with him, maybe forever. Oh, this boring-ness is sooo delightful!

ultra-cool ultrasound

So we had our first post-FET ultrasound yesterday. I would have posted a quick synopsis last night, but the annoying Mr. Foxy was hogging the laptop, looking up tiles and whatnot for his big bathroom rehab project. This is what IF husbands do while IF wives are busy blogging, posting on support boards, and getting opinions from Dr. Goog.le.

Our exam was one day short of 6 weeks, so we expected to see a fetal pole and (maybe or maybe not) a heartbeat. I was relieved and surprised to see that, even though the embryo was a mere 2 mm long, the technician was able to point out to us a faint little heart flicker. The whole thing was too tiny to zero in and actually measure the heart-rate, but the techie was upbeat and went so far as to label "BABY" on the u/s printout. Our ill-fated pregnancy in October never got beyond the "SAC" label. Ugh.

Dr. Snaggletooth wants us to come back in 2 weeks for another u/s. I expected him to have us back in one week, so I guess 2 weeks is a sign that he's pretty confident in Lil' Scrappy's growing potential. He said that if things look good at 8 weeks then he can comfortably pass us on to a regular OB. All-in-all this is very encouraging. I'm not yet 100% convinced that this is for real, but I definitely feel more "pregnant" than "in limbo".

I took the opportunity to inquire about our other frosties and to mildly critique my clinic's freezing protocols. (You may recall that our highest quality AA and AB blasts were frozen in pairs and the lower-grade BB that we transferred was the only one frozen as a single.) The doctor confirmed that our 4 remaining blasts are frozen in pairs and so there's no easy way to do a single transfer again in the future. If Lil' Scrappy doesn't pull through, or if we want another child in the future, we'll have to thaw 2 embryos and either transfer both or do one and discard the other. (It's not really advisable to freeze-thaw embies repeatedly.) I refrained from complaining about the single BB we received (instead of the AA or AB), because *knock wood* this one is going great guns so far.

Dr. Snaggletooth didn't really have a good explanation except that 2 embies is their standard procedure, most patients transfer 2-3, I'm really a "special case", yadda yadda. I didn't lay it on too thick, but I did suggest that they should get their freezing protocols more in line with the trend toward doing more single transfers. (It was their idea, not mine, but I've read up on it since and think it's a very good thing.) I may be a special case for my age group, but I know they have much younger patients with great embies who are increasingly inclined to do single transfers.

In the next few days, our embie should grow from the size of a sesame seed to a lentil bean. Then it goes through a progression of ever-larger beans, followed by a sequence of increasingly large fruit. I really hope we get to do the whole gastronomical sequence.. fingers crossed.

the other 2 week wait

I'm pleased to report that our scrappy little embryo is kicking ass and taking names. The HCG level today (beta#2 @18 dpo) was 1296. Hmm.. it's kindof hard to read that number.. I should use a comma, right? Yep, let's call it 1,296.
The nurse told me to come in for a 3rd beta on Wednesday morning, but I might wait until Thursday in order to avoid driving in a blizzard. Yes, I'm confident enough to delay the next blood test by one day.

What am I NOT so confident about? The first ultrasound on Tuesday 2/16. This is where everything started going to hell during our last cycle in October. I'm trying not to worry too much, though, because our betas are great and so far everything looks like the '07 cycle that gave us Waffle Girl. So I'm in that other 2 week wait. The two weeks between a first positive pee-on-a-stick and possible ultrasound confirmation that we have a viable embryo.

Luckily Mr. Foxy was good for a laugh today. I texted him from work with results of the blood test and next steps. He responded with a single word: Titties! Thank goodness noone heard me laugh, because there's no way I was going to explain THAT one. *swoon*

i've been holding out on you

Yes, I've been doing home pregnancy tests every day this week. Monday was 6 days past a 5-day transfer, which means 11 days past ovulation, or 11dpo as we say in the business. (Never mind the 4 months frozen in a nitrogen tank.. that's just a little embryo nap.)

Well, my dears, between 11dpo to 14dpo we went from a very faint pink line to a line that basically matches up with the control line. (see photo, for posterity, below). I only bought 4 pee sticks, so there was nothing left to pee on this morning - the day of our official blood test @15dpo. I woke up well before the alarm clock and killed a little time on the computer before heading out early. Mr. Foxy called out from bed "Good luck to us!" I was in the phlebotomists' chair 15 minutes before my actual appointment.

I picked up coffee and donuts on the way home. As I walk in, Mr. Foxy asks, "So how did it go? What was the result?" Silly man. I said, "Is this the first time we've done this? You know they won't call until later in the day!" I had showed him the pee sticks all week, so he was obviously a little keyed up. For extra hilarity, he asks me about 30 minutes later, "Did they call yet?!"


** many hours pass **

I finally called at 3:00 and got the good word. We have a big-time BFP: 384! There's no questioning THAT number. I'm super-relieved and DH is pretty giddy, too. I'm trying not to think ahead too much, but it will be a few weeks before we hopefully get some confirmation and then maybe slide into a comfort zone. For now.. *sigh*.. happiness.

let's call it a science experiment

As you read in my last entry, my feelings ranged from befuddled to PISSED after our frozen embryo transfer on Tuesday. To recap, in preparing for our 2nd single-blastocyst FET, our clinic skipped over one super-fantastic-grade-AA embryo and two Waffle-Girl-level ABs to roll the dice with one of our mediocre BBs. Now I know that people get PG all the time with BB's, I just thought it was totally mental to pick the worst of 5 blasts for a single embryo transfer.

My mood has picked up since Tuesday for a few reasons:

1) I figured, "Meh, what can you do? Stuff happens."

2) Thai food and subsequent Thai food leftovers.

3) The "mutt" embryo seems to be trying pretty hard. I've had cramping on-and-off since the day after transfer. This is exactly when implantation should happen, so I am encouraged.

4) I've come to see this as a science experiment. As a fancy government scientist lady, I am able to step back and look at this objectively.

These are the facts:

FACT #1 - An AB-embie implanted in '07 and then an AA implanted in '09. Thus, any embryo with an "A" in the grade can be expected to implant.

FACT #2 - The BC embryo transferred in '07 did not implant. Thus, an embryo with a "C" in the grade will not implant.

Study question: What will happen when a BB is transferred? There is no "A" to predict implantation and no "C" to predict failure.

HYPOTHESIS #1 - The BB will fail to implant due to lack of an "A" in the grade.

HYPOTHESIS #2 - The BB will successfully implant due to lack of a "C" in the grade.

Just where is the cut-0ff between implanting-embryos and bupkus-embryos for the infertile breeder and Mr. Foxy? Super sexy government scientists all over the world want to know. And I'm willing to put in the time and effort to investigate this important question.

The cool thing about a scientific study is that, whatever the outcome, you've learned something. Even if your theorum is shown to be false, this is a valuable piece of information. In particular, we will learn whether our other frozen BB is likely to be another dud.

Onward!

processing.. processing..

Our frozen embryo transfer went great yesterday and I've been lounging on the couch since then, thinking fertile thoughts. Okay, that's not totally true. I've been sulking and stewing, too. I feel like Dr. Snaggletooth executed a "bait and switch" with our day-5 blastocysts.

We had previously agreed to a single-embryo transfer, same as what we did in September, using the second of our excellent quality (AA) blasts. See this link for more info about day-5 blastocyst grading . As I'm getting prepped for the transfer, the Doc tells me we're transferring a "beautiful BB" embryo. Sure, a BB isn't bad, but why did we pass over the remaining AA and the two ABs?! The answer is that the BB was frozen in a single straw (the obvious choice for a single transfer) while the 4 higher-grade embies were frozen in pairs. Well why wasn't the AA frozen as a single, given the fact that yours truly was an obvious candidate for a future single blast transfer? It's just dumb.

So I have my legs in stirrups already and the embryologist comes to check our IDs and she explains that the AAs and BBs have the same implantation rate, so it doesn't really matter. Obviously I was in no position to argue. I figured that they'd have to defrost 2 more embies (total of 3) just to get the one AA that I wanted. So I sucked it up and went ahead with the transfer, even though I feel like we'd been shanghaied.

As a frame of reference, Waffle Girl is the result of the AB transferred in '07, along with another blast, a BC, which did not ever implant. So the BB we took home yesterday is somewhere between Waffle Girl and bupkus in terms of implantation.

I feel that we have a less-than-50% shot that this one could work. So what.. we'll do another FET in two months. Well the problem is that, after having 2 failed single-blast transfers, we'll be advised to do a double-blast transfer (pairing up the AA and an AB) next time around. We'll be at a high risk for twins, which is exactly what I'd hoped to avoid by doing singles in the first place! I think there is a definite dis-connect between how the lab freezes the embryos versus a logical progression of future FETs. I'm not sure whether I'll come in to gripe about this before or after my beta, but believe me they will hear about this.

I know I sound bitchy and greedy. I'm just frustrated by the various fuck-ups and delays in the span of one year. I know we can have another IVF baby - I don't doubt this. But I feel like it's been dangled in front of us for months and I just keep grabbing at it like a kitten at a feather.

So my lil' BB embryo is floating in a womb full of confusion and angst. Luckily, Mr. Foxy has been very encouraging. He's holding the good thought that this embryo is the little scrappy one, the mutt who will work really hard to earn his place in the family. Sure, I'll buy that. I've been promised Thai food for dinner tonight, so hopefully that will help turn my crappy attitude around.

P.S. If you're interested in the pre-FET drug protocol, here's a photo of my daily dose of meds for the week before transfer. Since the transfer, I got to stop Lupro.n and antibiotics, but all else remains the same. Is it any wonder I'm getting emotional?

i'm a sucker for estrogen

I gave money to a crack whore today.

I went in this morning for a final blood and ultrasound check before confirming our FET for Tuesday, 1/26. There are currently 4 estrogen patches on my belly, as I am in the pretend-ovulation phase of my fake-menstrual-cycle in the leadup to embryo transfer. You can definitely tell that I'm hopped-up on estrogen because I'm getting sentimental and teary-eyed with the slightest provocation.. like a bad chick-flick on cable.. or a soup commercial. I had warned my coworkers that I may be on the warpath this week, expecting major bitchiness, but it turns out that I'm a pathetic sap.

So as I walk out of the clinic, this disheveled woman walks up to me with some wacky story about how she's HIV-positive and pregnant and she needs to get to this hospital across town where she's being treated. Normally I'd have walked on by and rushed off to work. But she was so distraught and she said she was 3-months pregnant and bleeding and I just got sucked in! She asked me to drive her to the hospital, which wasn't about to happen. Then she asked for cab fare and I gave it to her. I helped her hail a cab and get in, even though the security guard at the nearby office building gave me a disapproving look and said "be careful".

I knew at that moment that most likely I was being scammed, but I just couldn't help it. The estrogen got the best of me. I coughed up some money on the off-chance that this lady would really go to a place that will give her some needed treatment. I know what it's like to be early in pregnancy and bleeding. I know what it's like to be in the 2nd trimester and bleeding. And to have a chronic disease and possibly homelessness on top of that? Yikes.

So maybe I helped someone today. Probably not.

My bloodwork and ultrasound were good, so we are a "go". We're transferring a single 5-day grade-AA blast next week. Yeah, you read that right - I'm a 39-year-old doing a single embryo transfer. Cocky? Maybe. The RE encouraged it and I'm okay with doing repeat FETs if needed. More on my rockin' frosties next time.