Tuesday, October 13, 2009

am i done yet?!

In case you were wondering..

How did they know that the embryo wasn't viable?

Well, my inquisitive friends, if an embryo gets to a certain size (5mm) and there isn't a little fluttering heart, then they know it isn't growing right. It is inscribed on my permanent record that our embie was 5.7mm and it had "no cardiac activity".

The most common cause of early miscarriage is chromosomal abnormality of the embryo. We didn't lose a baby. We lost something that could not have possibly ever grown into a baby. We lost 4 months of time that we could have been busy getting pregnant with a real baby. I've been reading the posts on the "Pregnancy loss" board of my favorite infertility support group. Frankly, a lot of the women posting there are deluded. Some of them were pregnant for just a couple weeks and yet they've named their "babies" and are mourning their loss as if they were fully-formed people. I don't get it. Maybe I'm missing a golden opportunity to be a drama queen.

So what has the infertile breeder been doing this past week?

Dr. Snaggletooth gave us two options: 1) stop meds and wait for the miscarriage to come on naturally or, 2) take a drug to bring it on. I opted for both. That is to say, I thought I'd wait a few days and take the meds only if necessary. The doctor gave me two prescriptions - one that causes uterine contractions and a painkiller.

Here's how it unfolded: our appointment was Tuesday. Then on Friday afternoon, when I was working at home, I had a few hours' worth of cramps and (TMI alert!) passed a bunch of blood clots. The cramping wasn't too bad. I figured that this was the worst of it, but that I'd probably have more heavy bleeding and stuff over the weekend.

Boy, was I mistaken! Last night (Monday) I started cramping again and went through much of the same as Friday. I managed to put Waffle Girl to bed about 7:15 (bless her heart, she's such a good sleeper) then it just got worse and worse! I wasn't even bleeding that much.. it was like a uterine version of the dry heaves. Seriously! I didn't have any pain meds, but I did have the prescription in hand - I could've called somebody to come rescue me, but I kept thinking that it'll pass soon.. and Mr. Foxy would be home from work in about an hour. So I writhed around in pain on the couch for a while and tried to use this heating pad that didn't do any good. Eventually hubby got home and found a stash of Vicodin that he'd squirreled away. Within the hour I felt a lot better and eventually went to sleep.

But wait, there's more! I woke up at 5am, cramping again. I popped another Vicodin and got back to sleep at 6:30. Working at home again today so I slept in 'til 8. I've been on pins and needles all day wondering "Am I done yet!?" Is there another wave of cramps to come? Shit! This was much harder and more miserable than I expected! I hope I'm done. Am I done? Oh, I hope I'm done.


  1. That sucks. If this continues, you might want to consider a D&C. Very little cramping. You know it's over that day. And very little risk of any remnants being left behind to cause even further problems (like continued elevated beta levels.)

    I truly hope that you are done, though. So, that you can move on. I know, all to well, how horrible this kind prolonged limbo can be.

  2. Oh sweetie. I just came back to reading. I'm so sorry for you. I hope the pain is over soon and just sending you lots and lots of hugs.

  3. Oh, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope the past week has brought you some physical relief and closure on this.

    About the other women and how they react to an early miscarriage .... I'll preface this with saying that I've never had a pregnancy loss, early or otherwise. But I've done a lot of thinking about how different women cope with their losses (and with infertility in general, which I know you read about in my blog last week). I think people just have different ways of dealing with this - it's such a complex thing, and one that not a lot of the public understands (or has dealt with), so people might find support and some sort of kinship in a space like a pregnancy loss board, or in blogging for that matter. Not everyone is going to feel it the same way, or react the same way (either IRL or online), or deal with it and move on the same way. I have a friend who just had a 22-week loss, and she *seems* (operative word) to be handling it better than a woman I used to know from an IF-board who had a miscarriage at 4.5 weeks (which most people would call a "chemical pregnancy").

    I'm not sure if any of that made sense.

    But anyway, hang in there, and I hope you're back to normal soon.