Tuesday, October 6, 2009

PUPO, it's been real

Our ultrasound today (@7wk3d) confirmed that this pregnancy is not viable. I'm sad, tired, angry, and nervous about what happens next. I feel so jerked around.

It doesn't feel like I'm really headed for a miscarriage, since we were never pregnant in the first place. Not really. It's more like our 2 week wait stretched out to a 5 week wait with the biggest BFN ever at the end. How attached can you get to a microscopic embryo that was just the faintest shadow on ultrasound? The idea of it was pretty sweet, but we never got any closer than being "cautiously optimistic" that it could be a reality. Not that I'm trying to talk myself out of being sad.. trust me, I'm plenty sad and there's no avoiding it.

The big picture is still very good. We have 5 frozen blasts, three of which are equal or better quality than the one that grew up to be Waffle Girl. So I feel pretty sure that there will be a sibling. Vain as I am, it felt pretty good when Dr. Snaggletooth opened up my file today and said "God, you're amazing! I wish I could get my other 39-year-old patients to do this well!" Yes, through my tears I am comforted to know that I have fantastic ovaries.

I've had to let go of my master plan, which was to have another kid 2 years behind Waffle Girl in school. When we went for our first consultation in March, it seemed reasonable to hope I'd be pregnant by the end of October. I though we should be able to fit 2 fresh cycles into a 6-month period, or one fresh and a couple frozens. Well, thanks to our various delays, the cancelled cycle in June, and now this extra-long BFN, my timetable has been scrapped. I know it seems like a dumb, petty thing.. but it would have been so great.

Our earliest possible FET could be in December, but who wants to do IF over the holidays? Going in the dead of winter isn't appealing, either, so I may take a break until spring. Celine Dion waited 8 years to do an FET and have her second child. I could even be one of those hags that has an IVF baby in her fifties. Okay, that's crazy talk.. but I'll be happy to keep my feet out of stirrups for a few months.

4 comments:

  1. Oh, I am so sorry. This really sucks!! You should definitely take as much time as you need to work through this, before giving it another go. (If that's what you choose to do.) My heart is breaking for you.

    Big, big hugs!!

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  2. We're thinking about you, Mr. Foxy and the Waffle Girl. I wish I were there to make it better with goldfish and hair barrettes. :)

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  3. Oh crap. Shit. Fuck.

    I am so sorry, I have no words. (other than the bad ones, clearly)

    Hang tough.

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  4. I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

    (LFCA)

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